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A Long Way From Anything

A guy trying to find a home that never was.

Personality

Wednesday, March 31, 2004
I find levels of personality to be really interesting. For instance, I was speaking with an ex of mine ( "KS" - dated her 11/2003 to 1/2004) and she pointed out that I am not what someone expects when they think "Marine". Her reason was that I'm not an ass. (g) Seriously though, I've noticed on my blog I come off as a really gung-ho, hard charging Marine. This conflicts somewhat with my personality on an everyday level. It reaffirms my faith in the idea that we all have different "faces" we wear (dependent upon occasion).

My theory is that it is hard to explain why my readers should be excited that I wrote a really awesome paper critiquing P.F. Strawson's Criticism of Bertrand Russell (in his paper "On Referring"). It's hard to explain that because most people don't have reference for it. Most people have some concept of philosophy, but not to the extent to which I have. I'm not being self-aggrandizing either. I couldn't speak to S about what he's learning in Med School. I don't know that much about medicine (hey, I always sucked at biology). The same thing applies here. I can talk about doing really well on a PT test or how my love life is going, or how I hate some of my professors, as these are things everyone can appreciate. Not too many people appreciate it when I start going on about Russell's thoughts on egocentric usage in ordinary language as contrasted to Strawson's Uniqueness claims. It just doesn't work.

This also bugs me on a deeper level because I worry about my old friends. At some point in our lives we all had things in common and that's how we became friends. As I grow older and move in different directions, do I maintain that part of my personality that made me compatible with them? Is it based on psychological makeup or just on current interests? Do I even speak the same language today as I spoke almost a decade ago when I met the T brothers? The Marine Corps makes me worry about this even more. Will I end up being just a Marine? Or will I still be me? My mother mentioned this to me the other day. She said "Don't let the Marine Corps destroy who you are." That really worries me. I think I'm trying to find a "self" I can point to. That's why I like Descartes. ;)

Music: Cab Calloway

Evening

Tuesday, March 30, 2004
Well, I went out with N (the girl I have a "thing" for) tonight (along with some other people), went and saw "The Lady Killers". Eh. Normally I'm a fan of Tom Hanks, but this time, not so much. Before we went she came over and shaved my head (for my FTX) not too bad. I look pretty good in a high & tight (if I do say so myself). Along with my USMC cover I look badass. (g) We chatted for a while and I played it pretty cool I thought. I tried to cook her dinner (in compensation for shaving my head), but it sucked and we ended up ordering pizza (what can I say? I can't cook).

In the movie I kept glancing over at her, wondering what exactly I'm feeling. Is it just Lust? I dunno. I'm planning on asking out this other girl from one of my classes though. She's absolutely gorgeous and I think we have some chemistry, but we haven't talked all that much.

I wonder if my feelings (whatever they are) for N are just a response after being cheated on by K (the ex as of March 9th). I think I need to be okay with being alone before I rush into something else. It wouldn't be fair to a new girl to burden her with my current (admittedly somewhat anti-female) state of mind. I've worked hard over the past few years to develop a sense of respect for women and using one as a "rebound" might endanger that.

Hell, it's all so confusing. Maybe this is why I study philosophy and religion. I keep trying to figure everything out. Maybe one day I'll have a better grasp upon things. But for right now, I've got to keep going as best I can. In a side note, S is coming to visit next week. Definetly looking forward to that. He and I are going to get rip-roaring drunk. If I don't fall down at least once I'll be pissed. (g)

Music: "The Last Time I Commited Suicide" Soundtrack

Didn't think of that...

Monday, March 29, 2004
Side note...I'm gonna have to lose my tongue-ring this weekend. I won't be able to wear it to the FTX. Damn. There goes two good years. I'll miss the little bugger. He did a great job.

German

Grrr....my german class is really pissing me off. I just got back the test I took right before we went on Spring Break (you know, the one I took the day my Jeep got broken into?). I made a 77.75 on it. Not too bad. I've made worse in his class. This is humorous because in all of my other classes, it's considered shocking if I make a low A. He's just a bastard.

This is evidenced by the fact that after class today I approached him and notified him that I will miss class on Friday (for my FTX) and presented him with the letter from my OSO, he proceeded to question the integrity of the letter. In response I gave him the phone number of my OSO, as well as the phone number for HQMC at 8th & I. I figure if he really wants to make sure he can call Headquarters Marine Corps, confirm my OSO's rank and credentials, then call him personally and make sure that yes, I am in fact a Marine Corps Officer Candidate and I'm going on an FTX this weekend. Bastard.

Jumbled Thoughts

Sunday, March 28, 2004
I've got a lot of thoughts just bouncing around inside my head. No real order to them:

I need to get off my ass & buy a digi. I need to be okay with being single. I want to find love. I need to do well this semester. I have lots of work to do for the Philosophical Society. I have a country song repeating in my head. I ordered some used utilities for my FTX and I think the guy shipped them late after he promised me he wouldn't. Bastard. I need to build more upper-body muscle. I need to do laundry. I am tired of German. College isn't as fun as everyone told me it would be. In one year I'll be on my own. I think I'll be the first of my friends to go out into "the real world". I'm doing well quitting smoking but I still really want a cigarette. I need to sleep. I get high from running. I think I'm going to compete in a 10K here in a month or two. Miles Davis is amazing.

See what I mean? Lots of junk just floating around. In the meantime, check out Spam Poetry. Good stuff.

Nice

Still working on that Bertrand Russell paper. I'm relaxing today, windows are open, A/C off, listening to the crickets outside and Mozart's Piano Concerto no. 27 on the stereo. Overall a very pleasing day.

I feel really mellow even with all the drama that has been going on in my life (cheating ex-gf, USMC, academic demands, screwed up girl, quitting smoking, etc...). Life just feels really pleasant. I feel very optimistic, unhurried, and overall unworried. Very cool. Still haven't had a cigarette either. All is right in the world.

Body Composition

Some interesting facts:

The Recommended Body Fat % for a man my size is 15%.
My Body Fat % is 13% (7-10 is extreme, 10-13 is Athletic, 14-17 is average, and 17-20 is slightly overweight).

The ideal weight for a man my size is 175lbs.
My weight is 175 lbs. (as of Tues at 10am).

My lean body weight is 152lbs.
Therefore, I have approximately 23 lbs. of fat on my person.

Neat huh?

Hella cool

Well, NASA finally launched the X-43. It's a ramjet/scramjet type rocket that reached over seven times the speed of sound. They're predicting that they will have a test vehicle that can do Mach 10 by the end of the year. Damn Cool. Reminds me of those old Rifts games we used to play.

Read more about it: CNN or at the Official NASA site.

Very cool

Saturday, March 27, 2004
I'm posting a lot today. I know. This is due to a paper I'm writing on Bertrand Russell and his theory of definite descriptions. Very dry stuff. So here's the USS IOWA firing her guns near Vieques, Puerto Rico.

USS IOWA

St. Patrick's Day continued

I wish I had written this:

From: The Blood and the Mud and the beer

Maybe it's part of getting older, but on a personal level St. Paddy's Day is cause for some deep introspection as to who I am, why I've become a certain type of person, what my innate talents are, and why my ambitions are what they are. I tend not to come up with any specific conclusions, but permeating all of it is a distinct and identifiable Irishness that I only really recognized in the past few years. For example, I tend to be sentimental and pensive, I have a strong sense of justice, and I'm drawn to politics and literature (just not the garbage written by James Joyce). Oh, and I'm told that I'm opinionated. In most ways I'm extraordinarily American in my attitudes and beliefs, but beneath it all there's an Irish quality that shapes and tempers this.

That's the individual side of the holiday, and each year this becomes more important and the day is more meaningful. But on a more macro level, I'm angered by the fact that St. Patrick's Day has become a mockery -- one where the Irish are the ones who demean themselves. It hardly seems an appropriate way to reflect on one's heritage by picking this day that used to be considered holy and using it as little more than an excuse to get fall-down drunk.

The other thing that gets me is that Irish American politics has become a total farce; what once was a serious day of assessing and lobbying for certain US policies on Irish freedom, now on St. Patrick's Day is you can expect little more than some phony reception at the White House where the President makes a token statement about the commitment America has to Catholics in Northern Ireland. And I can hardly wait to see what serial-liar John Kerry says, given that he seems to laud his non-existent Irish heritage whenever he's out looking for votes.

But aside from these American shenanigans, extremely important things are going on in Ulster, developments that could mean a complete breakdown of Nationalist/Unionist cooperation and could eventually cause the resurrection of the Provisional IRA. Among Americans it is either ignored or unrecognized that the Good Friday Agreement of 1998, which established a power sharing government in Belfast, is about to collapse. Irish American politicians seem completely ignorant of the fact that when Unionist Party leader David Trimble was continually placated by the British this changed the nature of the entire GFA, once again placing Irish Catholics in Ulster in a subservient position. That Sinn Fein, a party with 24 percent electoral support, is about to be excluded from the negotiations should give us all pause -- especially given that Gerry Adams may have single-handedly convinced the IRA to adhere to its current six-year cease fire.

But no, none of this will be discussed today. Instead we’ll talk about the most banal things and pat ourselves on the back for little more than having particular surnames.

So today I suppose I'll simply try to appreciate both sides of this Irish American dynamic: after spending the afternoon grading, I'm headed out to the Dubliner on Capitol Hill to drink some Guinness and maybe get a plate of corned beef and cabbage (an American invention). Yet while I "celebrate," I'll lament the fact that that St. Patrick's Day lacks any of the seriousness and gravity it once had, and thus I'll grieve a little for the days when being Irish in America meant something other than an excuse to get drunk or a means to pander for votes.

In this light, tiocfaidh ar la assumes a somewhat interesting, more complex meaning.

Military Slang

Gotta love it when the schedule refers to sleep as "Rack Ops". (g)


And yes, I'm trying to put off working on this Analytic Philosophy Term Paper by goofing off on my blog.

Have gone to fight the Indians Red Force,
Will be back when the war training exercise is over.

Well, it looks as if I will be missing The Game again. My OSO called me the other day saying "So, you ready for the FTX?" My response: "What FTX?" Heh... He didn't like that one (Side note: FTX stands for Field Training Exercise).

So, I'm off next weekend (April 2nd-4th) to go run around in the woods at Camp Blanding, FL (near Jacksonville). Don't ask me why we're driving 8 hours (on a bus) instead of going to Ft. Benning (where, conveniently, the Army has the Ranger training school) which is only 2 hours away. Or even better, why we're taking a bus instead of being choppered down there in about 3 or 4 hours. I have no frickin idea.

There are some pros though: I get to take an Intro to Land Nav. course, run a few obstacle courses, bust off a few hundred rounds of M-16A2 Ammo, take an Intro to the SULE I (Small Unit Leadership Evaluation), take an "Integrity Class" and a Night Land Nav. Class (can't you just see 40 or 50 USMC Officer Candidates wandering around the swamp at night?). Overall pretty fun stuff. Unfortunately, in an effort to make the experience "as real as possible", my OSO is also flying down DIs from Quantico. I get to do the whole "GET OFF THE BUS YOU SLIMY PIECE OF MAGGOT VOMIT!! MOVE IT!!" and so forth and so on. So while the activities will be fun, I'm not looking forward to the DIs. Right now we're scheduled for 6.5 to 7 hours of sleep a night (yeah right).

I guess I'm looking forward to this...(g) I have both a sense of excitement as well as one of reluctance (mostly because of the DIs). I figure I'll come back with some interesting photos. Still sucks to be missing the game though.

Funny

From: "From the Halls to the Shores"

WHICH BRANCH OF THE MILITARY IS BEST?

A Soldier, a Sailor, an Airman, and a Marine got into an argument about which service was "the best". The arguing became so heated the four servicemen failed to see an oncoming truck. They were run over by the truck and killed instantly. Soon the four servicemen found themselves at the Pearly Gates of Heaven. There, they met Saint Peter and decided that only he could be the ultimate source of truth and honesty. So, the four servicemen asked him, "Saint Peter, which branch of the United States Armed Forces is the best?" Saint Peter replied, "I can't answer that. However, I will ask God what He thinks the next time I see Him. Meanwhile, thank you for your service on Earth and welcome to Heaven." Some time later the four servicemen see Saint Peter and remind him of the question they had asked when first entering Heaven. The four servicemen asked Saint Peter if he was able to find the answer. Suddenly, a sparkling white dove lands on Saint Peter's shoulder. In the dove's beak is a note glistening with gold dust. Saint Peter says to the four Servicemen, "Your answer from the Boss. Let's see what He says." Saint Peter opens the note, trumpets blare, gold dust drifts into the air, harps play crescendos, and Saint Peter begins to read the note aloud to the four Servicemen:

MEMORANDUM FROM THE DESK OF THE ALMIGHTY ONE

TO: Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, and Marines

SUBJ: WHICH MILITARY SERVICE IS BEST

Gentlemen, all branches of the United States Armed Forces are honorable and noble. Each serves America well and with distinction. Being a serviceman in the United States Military represents a special calling warranting special respect, tribute and dedication. Be proud of that.

Sincerely,

GOD, USMC(Ret.)

Damn...

Friday, March 26, 2004

You are the the Swedish Chef.
You are a talented individual, nobody understands
you. Perhaps it's because you talk funny.

FAVORITE EXPRESSION:
"Brk! Brk! Brk!"
HOBBIES:
Kokin' der yummee-yummers

FAVORITE MOVIE:
"Wild Strawberries...and Creme"

LAST BOOK READ:
"Der Swedish Chef Kokin' Bokin'"

QUOTE:
"Vergoofin der flicke stoobin mit der brk-brk
yubetcha!"


What Muppet are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

A Collection of Thoughts">From: A Collection of Thoughts

President John F. Kennedy quoted this in remarks to members of the First Armored Division, Fort Stewart, Georgia, 26 November 1962:

“Many years ago, according to the story, there was found in a sentry box in Gibraltar a poem which said:

God and the Soldier, all men adore
In time of danger and not before
When the danger is passed and all things righted,
God is forgotten and the Soldier slighted.

This country does not forget God or the Soldier. Upon both we now depend. Thank you.” - Public Papers of the Presidents of the United States: John F. Kennedy, 1962, p. 840

Humorous

Thursday, March 25, 2004

Bored, more bored, most bored...

I'm currently writing a paper (about 10 pages) on problems inherent in Bertrand Russell's theories of speech translation from Ordinary Language to Artificial Language. It's for my Analytic Philosophy Class. Sounds fun right? So for entertainment, here's some remarks made by RADM (Rear Admiral - 1 Star) J. Stark, USN, made in Newport, RI on 10 November 1995:

"...it occurred to me that the services could be characterized by different breeds of dogs...The Air Force reminded me of a French Poodle. The poodle always looks perfect...sometimes seems a bit pampered...always travels first class. But don't ever forget that the poodle was bred as a hunting dog and in a fight it's very dangerous. The Army is kind of like a St. Bernard. It's big and heavy and sometimes seems a bit clumsy. But it's very powerful and has lots of stamina. So you want it for the long haul. The Navy, God bless us, is a Golden Retriever. They're good natured and great around the house. The kids love 'em. Sometimes their hair is a bit long...they go wandering off for long periods of time, and they love water. ...Marines I see as two breeds, Rottweilers or Dobermans, because Marines come in two varieties, big and mean, or skinny and mean. ...They're aggressive on the attack and tenacious on defense. They've got really short hair and they always go for the throat. That sounds like a Marine to me!"

Late Night

Wednesday, March 24, 2004
Ugh. Just got back from seeing my OSO. But overall today was good (unlike yesterday's drunken emotional ramblings). Two good things happened to me:

I was at the library today and ran into an ex of mine. We haven't really talked since we broke up and she initiated contact (always good). We chatted for almost two hours. She's seeing a boy she's in love with, but we were still able to joke about our times together. Made me feel really good. Plus, she reminded me of a really fun night we had. mmm....gotta love the male visual memory. Fun times.

On top of that, it seems that since I aced my PFT, I've suddenly gained respect at my OSO's office. I walked in today, and was greeted with "Hey Mr. L!" from the Gunny ("Gunny" is short for Gunnery Sergeant, the third highest enlisted rank, an E-7). Later on, while talking to my OSO, the dialogue went something like this:

OSO: "Hey Gunny, aren't there new regs out for L?"
Gunny: (entering from the other room) "Yeah, there are. You're not married are you?"
Me: "Hell No!"
Gunny: "Not engaged?"
Me: "No."
Gunny: "Girlfriend?"
Me: "Well, up until about a week ago. We broke up."
Gunny: "Not gettin' back together with her are you?"
Me: "I don't think so, right now she's in Kentucky screwing some other guy."
Gunny: "Okay, that's cool."
Me: "I haven't really thought of it that way."
Gunny: "Well, we don't want any women messin' with your mind."
Me: (chuckling) "Don't worry about me, they always run after a month or two."
Gunny: "Oorah to that."
Me: "Aye, Gunny." (touch knuckles with the Gunny)

The OSO then explained. It seems that they had a guy who had to apply three times (he sucked at his PFT), finally, after a year and a half of trying, he finally got a 290 PFT, and got into OCS. He had been there three weeks (out of 10) when, while talking to his girlfriend on the phone, she said "it's me or the Marine Corps". He imediately DORed (Dropped On Request) and sped home to be with her. The OSO and the Gunny were understandably pissed about this. I just laughed...

But now I'm officially "contracted". In other words, I spent about three hours being fingerprinted, signing my name about 90 times, initialling about 50 times, and agreed to let the Marine Corps use me as cannon fodder if they wanted. Or, as they so eloquently put it, "As the needs of the service dictate." Tasty language. Now I'm locked in. If they really wanted to they could pull me out of school, put me through training and ship my ass to Iraq. Surreal ain't it?

Drunken emotional ramblings

Tuesday, March 23, 2004
Ahh... the joys of life. I've finally found a girl I'm actually interested in (for a real relationship) but nothing is going to come of it. You see, she is currently hung up on this exboyfriend of hers that is 12 years her senior, basically unemployed, and previously broke up with her over email (but they're still having sex). Jesus, why me? It's all so easy for me when I don't respect women and just use them for sex. Why did I actually have to start giving a damn?? She and I had a looong talk tonight and it seems that she is going to stay "with" him (yes, even though he broke up with her). She says she's still emotinonally hung up on him. I guess I understand that it's just hard to take. Things are so much easier when you don't give a damn...Fuck it. I'm drunk, I'm going to bed.

Success!

OORAH! What can I say? I made that PFT my bitch! I cannot describe how good this makes me feel. All those mornings of waking up at 6am to go run are worth it. For your info, I did 16 pullups, 100 situps, and ran 3 miles in 21 minutes. So here's the breakdown:

Pullups: 16/20 (max) = 80 points
Situps: 100/100 (max) = 100 points
Run: 21/24 min (max) = 79 points

I come out with a 259 PFT score. Not bad! The ranking system is organized into 3 tiers (1st, 2nd, & 3rd). 1st (the best) is 225 and up. What can I say? I rock. Semper Fi!

4:32am

As that country singer says: "Up and at 'em bright and early" Or, maybe in this case, "dark and early" would be more accurate. Anyway, I'm outa here. Oorah!

Almost There

Monday, March 22, 2004
Well sports fans, here goes. I'm going to bed now (yes, I know it's only 8:30), to wake up tomorrow at 3:30. Wish me luck, pray, hope, whatever the hell you do, please do it for me. I've been preparing for this for a long time (as you all know) and I have hopes. Whether they are high or not has yet to be determined. This is it. If I do well on this PFT, I'm in OCS this summer. If I don't do well, I wait until next year (and try to figure out what to do with my summer) and try to get in to OCC. Here goes everything...

What is it good for?

Alright, it's early and it's spring break. My body won't let me sleep in. So, since I can't sleep I'll put forth my stance on the "war" (I'm not going to get into Bush's abuse of power and the fact that this wasn't really a war) in Iraq:

Reasons
It goes like this: Bushie is full of it. Or more accurately, the reasons that the Bush administration gave for attacking Saddam Hussein were not enough to justify the war. He gave two reasons: 1. Saddam Hussein is a mad dictator with Weapons of Mass Destruction and plans on using them on the U.S. 2. Saddam Hussein is guilty of state-sponsored terrorism against the U.S. (and its allies) and has links to Al Qaeda (the terrorist group that viciously attacked the U.S. on Sept. 11, 2001. I think that's about it right? Then on with the show...

In response to #1, did Saddam really have the ability to strike at the U.S.? No, he didn't. None of the missile systems he owned had the ability to reach us or our allies (okay, well maybe Israel). Was he a bad guy? Yeah. He ruthlessly slaughtered thousands of people for his own sick reasons. But then again, we didn't go to war with the U.S.S.R. when Stalin started butchering people.

WMDs
As for the WMDs, did he have them? Well, not really. I would be willing to say that he had (at some point) a few biological and chemical weapons. But then again, we sold a lot of those to him when we were paying him to fight Iran for us. As for current risks, so what if he has a few canisters of Anthrax? We've got thousands of gallons of stuff that makes Anthrax look like a head cold. He ain't got nothing on us.

Biological & Chemical
Now, you might argue that "Well, he could transport his WMDs over here on a boat and then release them." True, he could. Now you have to start asking yourself about the risks of biological and chemical attacks. See, the problem is, you have to be really careful with BC weapons. You have to get the air dispersal just right, it can't be too humid, can't be too windy, not windy enough, can't be too sunny, too hot, too cold, etc... BC weapons are extremely touchy and only effect a fairly small area. Without the proper aerial dispersal, BC weapons cover a very small area.

But what if you just release them at ground level? Well, you'll probably kill off about 20 or so people. Look at the Japanese Subway attack years ago. Released a bunch of anthrax and they only killed 12 people. Now, if he was able to transport the BC agents over here along with a high-altitude bomber that could accurately disperse them over NYC, then he would be effective. I kind of wonder about the viability of this plan though.

Weapons from the past?
As Globe & Mail puts it, "Saddam Hussein's regime had weapons of mass destruction, they used weapons of mass destruction on its neighbors and on his own people, and they failed to account for the weapons and weapons programs." (from Scott McClellan, the Whitehouse spokesman). Only problem is, he used those weapons back in the late 70s and early 80s. Even if he properly stored them in a clean room, they would not be viable weapons. BC weapons have a very short shelf life.

In fact, the greatest fear I have is of someone walking into downtown Manhattan and just dropping a vial of smallpox on the ground. Smallpox is deadly, spreads very quickly, and we currently don't have enough stocks of vaccines to treat everyone. In a highly populated area like Manhattan, we would suffer appx. 100-300 immediate casualties and appx. 200-300 delayed casualties. So yeah, that would be bad, it would still be less than we lost in the war. But then again, no one said Saddam had smallpox.

Nuclear
As for Nuclear weapons, give me a break, Saddam didn't have them. We knew that for certain. We should be more worried about Iran. Saddam was at least a secular ruler in a region dominated by extremist Muslims. I figured that was a good thing.

Terrorism
On to #2, his link with Terrorism. What? Who the hell thought this one up? Okay, I'm willing to say that Saddam helped out the terrorists in some way...I dunno, maybe he gave them guns. Who knows? Does that justify spending billions of dollars and the lives of ~560 American military personnel? Hell no.

So in essence, Bush is full of it. Like I said.

Changing the story
On top of this, I saw Powell on TV the other day saying that the war was justified because of all of the good we have done for the Iraqi people. Wait. Huh? When did we do this for the Iraqi people? They never mentioned this until a few months ago. So the ends justify the means?

Celebrity wanna-be

Sunday, March 21, 2004
Normally I don't answer those stupid questionnaires everyone sends around. But I kind of like this one. It was originally developed by Bernard Pivot and is used quite famously by James Lipton of Inside the Actor's Studio fame. Here goes:

1. What is your favorite word?
    "Yes!" - Due to a myriad of reasons.
2. What is your least favorite word?
    "Can't" - I always try to focus on the possibilities of life.
3. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
    Passion. Of any sort. I find passion to be really seductive.
4. What turns you off?
    Being inconsiderate/rude. I have a hard time with people not following etiquette.
5. What is your favorite curse word?
    Fuck. or maybe Wanker. Probably the former though, just because of its versatility.
6. What sound or noise do you love?
    To get a little dirty...the sound of someone receiving great pleasure.
7. What sound or noise do you hate?
    A sigh, indicating boredom or being let down (not contentment).
8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
    Travel Show host.
9. What profession would you not like to do?
    Cop
10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
    (in a bad Irish accent): "Aye lad! Come on in! Pull up a stool, 'ave a Guinness, the whole gang's 'ere!"

Setback

Well, I jinxed myself. broke down. Smoked two cigarettes and threw the rest out. There went $4. damn. The doc said that when that happens you just have to keep going like it's nothing, so I am. Damn it.

Gettin' There

Day 4: Haven't broken down yet. I'm starting to get hopeful. Maybe I can do this. Cravings are still pretty bad, but they come and go. Currently stressing out about my upcoming PFT. Well, gotta go workout now. Peace.

Chafing...ouch

Saturday, March 20, 2004
Here's a tip for any of you that are interested in distance running: If you're a guy, and you plan on running more than 7 miles (a 10K), take care and smear Vaseline on your balls. Helps to prevent chafing. Just FYI.

A cry for attention

Still haven't had a cigarette. I've only used two pieces of Nicotine Gum today too. My cravings are not constant but merely spikes in the day. If I hold out for ten minutes the craving goes away. It's now 6:30.

Feeling pretty lonely today. Don't know why. Probably because I haven't spoken to anyone. I feel like Carrollton is wearing me down. Everything here is so transient. It doesn't feel like home. Athens feels like home damnit. Maybe I feel this way because I've always thought of Carrollton as a temporary prison sentence. Maybe if I embrace it, I'll feel better. But then again, after next April I'll never return here.

I remember as a young child no place felt like home. I thought moving around every few years was normal. I didn't know anyone that stayed in one place. All of my friends were military brats. I remember the first time I felt like Georgia was my home. It was 1996, my family and I were returning from visiting family and I distinctly remember seeing the Georgia border approaching through the windshield. At that moment it felt like I was coming home. I haven't had that feeling in a long time. I don't know if I even remember what it was like. Joining the military I'll probably never feel that way again. Usually I'm okay with this. Usually I'm comfortable anywhere. I've been in some weird places on the far side of the world and felt at ease. My currently down emotional state is causing me to worry I think. I'm rambling now so I'll go back and do some reading.

Almost Psychotic

Day 3: Dreaming about cigarettes now. Lungs feel really clear. No sinus problems at all. I literally salivate at the thought of a cigarette though. ugh.

Friday, March 19, 2004
Heute in mein deutschkurs, ich machte eine Prüfung. Es war schlecht und ich denke zuschlagen mein Lehrer an. Wenn jedermann interessiert ist, schrieb ich auch einen Monolog, den ich "bei der Sitzung des Verstandes" durchführen werde. Es wird "Thomas Aquinas und Sittlichkeitsgefühl" genannt. Wenn du interessiert bist, nimmst du einen Blick.

Mean as hell

Day 2: Still no cigarettes. Am contemplating killing someone. grrr. I did run 3 miles in 22:30 (7:30 mile) yesterday though. Lungs are feeling pretty good. Still want to kill someone. More later.

Look like I could bite the ass off a Lion

Thursday, March 18, 2004
grrrr...muthafucka! I haven't had a cigarette yet today. grrrrrr.....

Bummed the hell out

Wednesday, March 17, 2004
For some reason I keep waking up at 5am or so every morning. I try to turn over and go back to bed but it doesn't seem to work...All I want is a good eight hours of sleep...Maybe this is my body saying "Holy shit! OCS is coming up!" Hell, I don't know. I just want to relax. My PFT is supposed to be next Tuesday. After that I'm coming home and drinking a hell of a lot of Bushmills. Fuck it.

In other news, my Jeep got broken into today. The thieves tore apart my driver's side door, my console, and the entire dash. It looks like they took a crowbar to it. Even the steel frame that the dash is built upon was bent completely out of shape. For instance, my ashtray was vertical (as opposed to its usual horizontal position). I'm going to try to snap some photos of this, but as I don't have a digi, they might be a hell of a long time in coming. I called the cops, did the paperwork, blah blah blah. They apparently hit 5 other cars (in my neighborhood) last night (so at least I'm not alone). After discovering this I went and took a German test (i.e. got bent over a barrel). Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Still sucks driving around in the cold without a door. Fuckin sucks.

Even more stuff: expect a piece sometime soon about me questioning my own identity. It's been bouncing around inside my head for quite some time. Makes me question my sanity.

Eh. St. Paddy's Day. Memories.
Note: Don't listen to Mazzy Star's "Fade into you" while reminiscing....

As Strongbad says: I'm'a go to bed.

I hate St. Patrick's Day. This is humorous because I can recite virtually all of Irish history stretching back a few thousand years. I can describe the multiple rebellions, Cromwell's March, The seperation of north & south, The potato famine, the emigration to Scotland, pretty much everything there is. But I can't stand St. Paddy's Day. Probably because of the green beer.

Tuesday, March 16, 2004
If you haven't realized, this is how I take breaks from studying. Sad ain't it?

From Belle in her post "Anal Sex is the new black":

"A man who suggested his wife grab her ankles and take it like a choirboy was probably courting divorce..."

'Cause today is gonna be another easy day...

A rundown of my schedule today:

0600 - get up
0615 - slug coffee down and do about 150 pushups
0645 - At the track. Ran 4 miles
0730 - Back at home. Finish Coffee.
0815 - Showered, Dressed, ready to face the day. Start Studying.
0845 - Leave for class
1150 - Get out of class. Go home & get lunch.
1300 - Go back to school.
1700 - Get out of school.
1715 - Get home, start studying.
1800 - Eat dinner while studying.
2100 - Do 64 Pullups and 160 Situps.
2130 - Back to studying.
2400 - Bed?

Ye. And God spoketh to man: "thou life shall sucketh." And it did. And it was not good, for God was a bastard.

Heh. I like that. "Angels of Death".

Marine Corps Pride

Foreword: Here is a breakdown of unit organizations: A Fire Team has 4 Marines, A Squad has 3 Fire Teams (12 Marines), A Platoon has 3 Squads (~36 Marines), A Company has 3 Platoons(~108 Marines), A Battalion has 3 Companies (~324 Marines), A Regiment has 3 Battalions(~972 Marines), A Divison has 3 Regiments (~2916 Marines), and at least 3 Divisions make up a Corps (~8748 Marines). Note that these numbers do not include staff personnell or any others. Only actual combat personnell is represented. In the modern American military the combat personnell usually make up about 10 to 15 percent of the actual force. For instance, at Guadalcanal (WWII) the 1st Marine Divison landed with 11,000 men. All of this is for the paragraph referencing Mao Tse Tung.

Something my OSO sent me (oh, and for those of you that don't care about this sort of thing, I'll post something entirely different later):
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Beginning this month, leathernecks from the 1st Marine Expeditionary Force will return to Iraq, replacing elements of the Army's 82nd Airborne Division. The return of the Marines is surely bad news for those desperate to undermine the liberation of Iraq.

Not to take anything away from the U.S. Army - its soldiers have performed magnificently, and will no doubt continue to do so - but America's enemies have a particular fear of U.S. Marines.

During the first Gulf War in 1991, over 100,000 Iraqi soldiers were deployed along the Iraqi-Kuwaiti coastline in anticipation of a landing by some 17,000 U.S. Marines. Terrified by what they had been taught about the combat prowess of Marines, the Iraqi soldiers had nicknamed them "Angels of Death." The moniker - first published by Pulitzer-winner Rick Atkinson in his best-selling Crusade - carried over into the second Gulf war, last year, as the 1st Marine Division swept across the Iraqi plains. Attacking American forces were unsettling enough, but reports of the seaborne "Angels of Death" being among the lead elements were paralyzing to many Iraqi combatants.

Despite less armor than other American ground forces, the Marines were among the first to fight their way into Baghdad. And when intelligence indicated that foreign troops were coming to the aid of Iraqi diehards, Marine Brig. Gen. John Kelly stated, "we want all Jihad fighters to come here. That way we can kill them all before they get bus tickets to New York City."

Typical Marine bravado, some say. But it works.

Best-selling author Tom Clancy once wrote, "Marines are mystical. They have magic." It is this same magic, Clancy added, that "may well frighten potential opponents more than the actual violence Marines can generate in combat."

Fear of Marines is not a new phenomenon, nor is it unique to Iraqi soldiers.

Established in 1775, the U.S. Marine Corps came of age in World War I during the 1918 Chateau Thierry campaign near the French village of Bouresches. There, Marines assaulted a line of German machine-gun nests on an old hunting preserve known as Belleau Wood. The fighting was terrible. Those Marines who weren't cut down by the enemy guns captured the nests in a grisly close-quarters slugfest.

The shocked Germans nicknamed their foes, teufelhunden (devil dogs).

"Marines are considered a sort of elite Corps designed to go into action outside the United States," read a German intelligence report following the battle. "They consider their membership in the Marine Corps to be something of an honor. They proudly resent any attempts to place their regiments on a par with other infantry regiments."

Twenty-four years later as the 1st Marine Division was steaming toward Guadalcanal, a Japanese radio propagandist taunted that which the Japanese soldiers feared most. "Where are the famous United States Marines hiding?" the announcer asked. "The Marines are supposed to be the finest soldiers in the world, but no one has seen them yet?"

Over the next three years, Marines would further their reputation at places with names like Tarawa, Saipan, and Iwo Jima.

That reputation carried over into the Korean War.

"Panic sweeps my men when they are facing the American Marines," confessed a captured North Korean major. It was a fear echoed by his Chinese allies. In late 1950, Chinese premier Mao Tse Tung put out a contract on the 1st Marine Division. The Marine division, according to Mao in written orders to the commander of the Chinese 9th Army Group, "has the highest combat effectiveness in the American armed forces. It seems not enough for our four divisions to surround and annihilate its two regiments. You should have one or two more divisions as a reserve force."

Though costly for both sides, the subsequent Chinese trap failed to destroy the 1st Marine Division.

U.S. Army Maj. Gen. Frank Lowe later admitted, "The safest place in Korea was right behind a platoon of Marines. Lord, how they could fight!"

Over a decade later, Marines were the first major ground combat force in Vietnam. Army Gen. William C. Westmoreland, who commanded all American military forces in that country, conservatively stated he "admired the élan of Marines." But despite the admiration, some Army leaders found their equally proficient units wanting for similar respect.

In 1982, during the invasion of Grenada, Army General John Vessey, then chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, telephoned one of his officers and demanded to know why there were "two companies of Marines running all over the island and thousands of Army troops doing nothing. What the hell is going on?"

The reputation of Marines stems from a variety of factors: The Marine Corps is the smallest, most unique branch of the U.S. armed forces. Though it is organized as a separate armed service, it is officially a Naval infantry/combined-arms force overseen by the secretary of the Navy. The Corps' philosophical approach to training and combat differs from other branches. Marine boot camp - more of a rite-of-passage than a training program - is the longest and toughest recruit indoctrination program of any of the military services. Men and women train separately. All Marines from private to Commandant are considered to be first-and-foremost riflemen. And special-operations units in the Marines are not accorded the same respect as they are in other branches. The Marines view special operations as simply another realm of warfighting. Marines are Marines, and no individual Marine or Marine unit is considered more elite than the other.

Consequently, newly minted Marines believe themselves to be superior to other soldiers, spawning understandable resentment from other branches.

But do Marines actually fight better than other soldiers? Rivals argue it's not so much their ability to fight - though that's never been a question - but that Marines are simply masters in the art of public relations. President Harry Truman once stated that Marines "have a propaganda machine that is almost equal to Stalin's." Fact is, while other armed services have lured recruits with promises of money for college, "a great way of life," or "being all you can be;" the Marines have asked only "for a few good men [and today, women]" with the mettle to join their ranks.

Not surprisingly, there have been numerous unsuccessful efforts - primarily on the part of some Army and Navy officers - to have the Corps either disbanded or absorbed into the Army or Navy. Most of those efforts took place in the first half of the 20th Century. But even after the Marines' stellar performance in World War II, Army General Frank Armstrong proposed bringing them into the Army fold and condescendingly referring to the Corps as "a small bitched-up army talking Navy lingo."

As late as 1997, Assistant Secretary of the Army Sara Lister took aim at the Marines. "I think the Army is much more connected to society than the Marines are." Lister said before an audience at Harvard University. "Marines are extremists. Wherever you have extremists, you've got some risks of total disconnection with society. And that's a little dangerous."

Of course, the Commandant of the Marine Corps demanded an apology. Lister was fired. And Marines secretly said among themselves, "Yes we are extremists. We are dangerous. That's why we win wars and are feared throughout the world."

Despite its detractors, the Marines have become a wholly American institution - like baseball players, cowboys, and astronauts - in the eyes of most Americans. Marines indeed may be extreme, but America loves them, extremism and all. And fortunately for America, her enemies in the war against terror will continue to shudder upon hearing, "the Marines have landed."

Emotional Rule

Monday, March 15, 2004
Fuck the logic, I got a hot date. Woohoo!

Jesus, what did I do?

Saturday, March 13, 2004
Oh Christ. I just realized that Crickie posted the pictures she took from the "Thanksgiving Reloaded" party. I didn't even realize I was in pictures. I don't even remember the damn party! I need to get that drunk again and soon.

In a side note, for those of you that know him, the guy that's from the Dojo & now goes to Med. school in Augusta (I shall only refer to him as "S") now has his own blog. Go check it out.

Some USMC stuff:

"On the 13th on November 1997, Sara E. Lister, the Army's top personnel official and the Pentagon's most ardent advocate of women in combat, in a public forum called the Marines "extremists" and "a little dangerous." Mrs. Lister, the assistant secretary of the Army for manpower and reserve affairs also belittled the Marine Corps uniform and even the way we wear our hair. "I think the Army is much more connected to society than the Marines are." Mrs. Lister told an Oct. 26 seminar. "The Marines are extremists." "Whenever you have extremists, you've got some risks of total disconnection with society, and that's a little dangerous." Then Commandant Charles Krulak immediately inquired if her statements were correctly quoted and if she stood behind them. She acknowledged that they were. Gen Krulak made a public statement saying that such a statement "would summarily dismiss 222 years of sacrifice and dedication to the nation. It would dishonor the hundreds of thousands of Marines whose blood has been shed in the name of freedom. Honor, Courage, and Commitment are NOT extreme." The next day, the Speaker of the House sent a letter to the President demanding Lister's immediate dismissal. 24 hours later, Lister - whom insiders had expected would one day be the next choice for Secretary of the Army, resigned and has to this day not been a representative of any military organization or institution."

From: http://www.usmarineraiders.org/bday226.htm

Commandant Krulak served for 35 years, retiring in 1999.

I did 110 pullups last night. My hands are blistered. Time to go running.

Thursday, March 11, 2004
I just realized that I work out for approximately fifteen hours each week. geez.

Sometimes I really hate being me. For instance: Right now I am in a situation where there is great possibility for conflict of interest. I've been interested in this person for a long time (and vice-versa) we just never managed to hook up (due to too many factors to explain). Well, now I'm single again and I've considered asking her out because emotionally I do really like her. The problem is that I can rationally think of quite a few reasons why I shouldn't like her, why I shouldn't ask her out, and the possible repercussions of me asking her out (no matter what her answer is). This is irritating to me because of who I am.

For Christsakes I study logic and ethics almost every day! I have extensive training in problem solving and rational thinking; I go even further and study these things for fun in my free time! Damn it! Why does being human have to be so fucking annoying! If I rationally analyze a problem and then logically decide something, why is it my emotions keep protesting? You'd think that I could say "No. I should not ask her out and I should never make any advances on her." And that would be the end of it. But noooo...I really fricking hate emotions.

Maybe that's the quality of being adult. Being able to acknowledge that your emotions want you to do one thing and rationally deciding that you shouldn't.

Tuesday, March 09, 2004
In other news, as of 10 minutes ago I'm single again.

As I sit here tonight (for the first time in a long while I don't have homework) I think about how grateful we should all be. I saw a TV Show earlier that told the story of a Korean War vet that died from exposure at the Washington Monument. He was a homeless vet and a Marine. The 2nd of the 7th, Purple Heart winner. It took them an hour and a half to get the body...until then he just sat there, exposed on a bench. A man that didn't know him arranged for him to have a military funeral with complete honors. It's hard to express what this episode meant to me because my emotions about it are so jumbled inside me.

Maybe it's that we as people are so damned good at adapting. We can take anything and normalize it. We then take it for granted. I find this especially offensive when considering Veterans. These men faced death for our country. For us. And yet oftentimes we don't even blink when we mention the casualty rates of Korea or Vietnam. One youth was recently quoted as saying that if they re-instituted the draft he'd flee to Canada, because serving his country just wasn't "in his plans". I find this to be horribly depressing. Even if you are a pacifist and have no desire to physically fight for your country, please don't trivilize the sacrifice of those before you. Imagine what it would be like if it was you off in some foreign country, just trying to stay alive. Imagine if it was you that died. How would you like to be treated? Would you like your sacrifice to be in vain? Would you want kids to belittle what you did? No, I don't think you would.

No matter what our stance on War (the current "war" included) please remember the lives of all of the soldiers killed. I personally think the "War" with Iraq is a lie and I believe Bush should be brought up on charges. Does that mean that those soldiers that fought and died over there should be forgotten? Hell No.

It's not just with soldiers that we normalize either. How often do teachers get thanks for their tireless contributions to children? Sure, it's not risking your life, but it takes a damned whole lot of effort to go in every day and try to make a difference.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that moments like these are nice. When you realize how great you have it. When you realize how much so many people gave up so that you could have it. I'd just like to say thanks to them all. To the Soldiers, Sailors, Marines, and yes even the Swoopies, and to the teachers, policemen, firemen, and everyone else that wakes up each day and heads out to make a difference. Thanks. I appreciate it.

I'm listening to more Blues music now. Specifically I've been hooked on Muddy Waters. Even more so, his song "Nine Below Zero". Good stuff.

.............................................

History will judge us.

Monday, March 08, 2004
Something mildly depressing (and surprisingly long) and yet hopeful: Today I had to go to Walmart (even though I do try to stay away from that place). Walking in, a car rolled past me with a little girl in the front seat. Next to her I saw her father, smoking a cigarette...Now I'm pro-smoker's rights, but I am very much against inflicting your smoking upon children. If I choose to poison myself that's okay. It's not okay to poison little kids.

I think about this for a few minutes and then continue on my way. Later on (inside the store), I see the little girl and her father. She looked about 7 or so and her Dad looked about 26. I stopped in my tracks and looked at them as they walked away. The girl was asking her father if she could get a toy and he was shaking his head no. I looked at their clothes and noticed that while his clothes were originally pretty good (i.e. the usual Tommy Hilfiger and such) they had deteriorated to the point where you could see old stains and large rips were visible. He looked like a man that had just stopped caring.

As they turned a corner I reflected on this. I really wish I could help this little girl in some way. I can't count the number of options she's going to grow up without. The number of risks she will be exposed to that someone from a higher income bracket would never see. The likelihood of her getting pregnant at 16. The likelihood to spousal abuse and alcoholism. The likelihood that she will never really read the words of Shakespeare or think for herself. Or hell, not even that. The likelihood that she will end up in a dirty trailer with a bunch of dirty kids with a husband that doesn't love her. The likelihood that she herself will stop caring. All of this because of the man I saw walking in front of me. You really do pay for "the sins of the Father". My only hope in all this is that she can realize all of this and fight to overcome it. She can be whatever she wants to be. Her father's lack of gumption and general ambivalence and irresponsibility are not her sentence.

Maybe the Catholic belief in original sin is correct. We are all guilty and not of our own accord. From birth, the crimes and acts of our parents burden us and affect us. I see this when I look at the grim statistics that stare at me: "A child of a divorced home is more likely to have their own marriage fail.", "A child from a divorced home..." yadadada...So on and so forth endlessly repeated on a CNN 30 minute news cycle flashing at me every morning while I drink my coffee. In so many ways we are a sum of our parts. The only way to rise above this is to become better than our parents and to concentrate on the "I" that is in extra to our parts. The only path to redemption then lies in leading a virtuous life. But now I go back to the question that always perplexes me.

Sunday, March 07, 2004
A little graphic:

Saturday, March 06, 2004
Just back from a 6 mile run this morning. Can you believe that? I just go out and run 6 miles...I don't know too many people that can do that. Makes me feel good. In other news, I'm starting to plan my trip for next winter. Here's the plan so far:

Berlin: 3 Days
Prague: 3 Days
Budapest: 3 Days
Ljubljana (Slovenia): 2 Days
Venice: 2 Days
Rome: 3 Days
Lichtenstein: 1 Day
Zürich: 2 Days

And yes, I realize that I'm going back to Berlin, Prague, and Budapest, all places I have been before. But who do you know that's been to Ljubljana, Slovenia?

I thought about hitting Sweden or Norway or even possibly Estonia and Lithuania this year, but it'll be mid December when I'm there and in case you haven't noticed, Sweden is frickin cold.

Thursday, March 04, 2004
Busy busy me. Things are kind of hectic around here so if you don't hear from me in a while don't worry.

In other news I've got a PFT coming up later on this month. Wish me luck. I think this is the best shape I've ever been in, so I'm pretty hopeful. Other than that, I'm stuck doing my usual contemplations of life and I'm considering going to Italy next winter. I think it'd be cool to take pictures of the Vatican...

Back to schoolwork now.

Monday, March 01, 2004
A quick argument: If the United States Constitution, Amendment 1, states: "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech..." and you take that to mean there should be a seperation of church and state, and you consider President Bush's proposal that marriage should be defined as a relationship between a Man and a Woman because it is sacred, does that mean that his argument is not only stupid but unconstitutional?

And I think everyone knows where I stand on matters constitutional.

Or, more structured:

1. The U.S. Constitution (The highest law of this nation) states that there shall be no federal law that interferes with religion.
2. The U.S. President is trying to pass a bill that defines a type of religious institution.
Therefore, The U.S. President is attempting to enact a law that is unconstitutional.

Or, in Standard/Syllogistic form:

1. All U.S. Constitutions prohibit laws that govern religion.
2. All U.S. Presidents that are G.W.Bush are trying to pass a law that governs a religious institution.
3. Therefore, All U.S. Presidents that are G.W. Bush are trying to violate the Constitution.

1. All C are not R
2. All P are R
.'. All P are not C

Then, since Premise #1 and the Conclusion are not valid, we must obvert them:

1. No C are R
2. All P are R
.'. No P are C

As you can see from the Venn Diagram below, my Conclusion is Valid. Bush's proposed Marriage Act violates the Constitution. Booyah. It feels good to know that maybe I am actually getting some use from my education.

I have now realized that everyone I know here thinks that I consist of two things: Philosophy and the Marine Corps. Possibly this is my fault because I spend almost every waking hour either working on school work or doing stuff for the green machine. I do however have some reservations about this. For instance: A couple of nights ago I was out having a few drinks and seeing a band and it is entirely possible that my companion (just a friend) thought I was extremely boring. This is entirely possible because when I'm comfortable I don't speak a lot. I don't have to put on the "Public Brian" persona. I don't have to be the Marine Corps Officer Candidate, the President of the Philosophical Society, the President of Phi Sigma Tau, The Dean's List Student, The Judo Player, The advisor to the Dean, The Smart Guy that can always answer the teacher's questions...I can just be little ole' me. I considered it a compliment, I don't think she did.

I looked at my actions the other night in contrast to how I act around my real friends (in contrast to the people I know here that I don't really consider friends). Around the people I am really comfortable with I am pretty quiet. It's not that I don't have anything to say, it's just that I don't feel the need to entertain or shepard them (as I do in the Phil. Soc. among other places).


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