A Long Way From Anything

"Another year older and deeper in debt."

Since I have gotten back from OCS, I have been depressed. Not surprising considering the circumstances. Well, I have been treating myself by reading lots of poetry. The fact that I had to go to Marine Corps OCS in order to rediscover my love of poetry is simply dripping with irony. You see, when I was younger I loved poetry. I actually won a nation-wide contest at one point (for which I received a nice check). After I got out of highschool though, my interest in the art waned. Maybe I was too caught up in the day to day shuffle of things, maybe I became too calloused, who knows? But lately I have found both D.H. Lawrence and Rudyard Kipling very therapeutic. So here they are, "Self Pity" and "If":


D. H. Lawrence - "Self Pity"

I never saw a wild thing
sorry for itself.
A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough
without ever having felt sorry for itself.


Rudyard Kipling - "If"

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

I've had a few people ask me lately "What was OCS like?" Well, I can honestly say that it is the closest thing to hell on earth I can imagine. Conversely, I really enjoyed it. Try to imagine: always being sleepy (you don't get a lot), always being hungry, running 6 miles at a 8 min/mile pace, marching around on a blacktop parade deck in full cammies under the midday sun, being screamed at constantly, being repeatedly reminded that you are worthless, repeatedly being yelled at to DOR (Drop on Request), carrying around an 8 pound rifle at port arms (holding it 4 inches out from your chest) for hours on end, running a 4.5 mile circuit in boots with full combat gear on (helmet, rifle, canteens, etc...), only going to the bathroom when someone else says you can go, getting up at 1am every other night to pull guard duty for an hour, and standing perfectly still at attention while sweat trickles down your face for an hour or more. Overall, I liked it a lot. I enjoyed the environment the most. One day when we were marching to the galley some of the arty boys were doing live-fire exercises out in the woods. As I kept step the constant booming of explosions and the sound of helicopters flying a few hundred feet overhead got me thinking: "I love this shit!" Just the atmosphere...well, that and the ability to play with really high powered guns.

An aproximation of myself:

When I wake up


When I finally drink my morning java:


And when I head off to classes:

I am currently, unwillingly, and unfortunately back home. On monday of the 6th week of Marine Corps OCS I was discharged from the program due to medical problems. I had a few minor ones and then a major one happened late last week. After what I was told was "serious consideration", the Commanding Officer of OCS decided I should go home.

At approximately 0200 we were woken up to do a 12 mile forced night march. Not a big deal, but I had only had about 2 hours of sleep (I had one of the first firewatch shifts). So off we go, prancing around in the night. All was going well until in the darkness I slipped on some loose rock and took a header into a ravine. All I can say is tumbling down a hill with a 50 pound ruck on your back sucks majorly. Having a rifle barrel smack you in the face doesn't feel too good either. In the end I tore a calf muscle. I had to get carted out on a stretcher. So, once the docs had checked me out they pronounced that it would take approximately a month for me to fully heal. In the meantime I can't run or march. In combination with my already pretty serious shin splints, knee pain, and a respitory infection, medical recommended to the CO that I go home. So saturday morning I saw the Colonel and was told I was going home. So much for that. The thing that really pissed me off though was when the doc recommended that if I chose to reapply, I might consider choosing a branch that is "less physically intense".

So now I'm home. I'm gimp and I'm pissed, but I'm home.

Now I have to start considering my future. I could reapply to Marine Corps OCS for next summer (with that note in my file though...). I could go civvie and try to get a real job with my Philosophy Degree. I could go on to grad school. I could join another branch. Truth is, I don't know what I'm going to do right now. I've spent so much of the past two years working on and for the Corps that now that my future is in question I'm pretty lost. For right now though, I'm taking a week off...not thinking about it. My mind is so scrambled I don't think I could make a good decision if I tried.