Say hello to my...
"For if I try to seize this self of which I feel sure, if I try to define and to summarize it, it is nothing but water slipping through my fingers. I can sketch one by one all the aspects it is able to assume, all those likewise that have been attributed to it, this upbringing, this origin, this ardor or these silences, this nobility or this vileness. But aspects cannot be added up. This very heart which is mine will forever remain indefinable to me." - p.19
I think about this a lot. It's almost as if the self is a tree. "I", that is the root of me, is the trunk. I can look out and see the parts of me (or how others would describe me): Jeeps, Photography, Marine Corps, Philosophy, Martial Arts, Ireland, etc... I cannot look upon myself though. It as if my true self is made of mercury and slides away every time I get a finger near it. I can observe all of these meaningless attributes that provide no surety and no solace to me but I cannot even begin to find out who I truly am deep down inside.
I reject the notion as well that I am nothing more that the sum or my parts. If that was true I could never change and never grow. I could never be better than I was at the age of 6. I would be doomed for all time. I am however, not. I can change and I can grow so there must be some sort of "me" outside of my parts...
I think of this because of the indoctrination processes of the Marine Corps. I worry that in a few years all I will be is a Marine. I worry that the Corps will erase my individual identity. I love the Corps, I just don't know exactly what sort of sacrifices I will be forced to make in order to fulfill my goals.
Maybe I should accept the impossibility of truly finding out who I am or who anyone is. Maybe the best (and possibly only way) is to follow in Heidegger's footsteps when he asked "What could we say of Aristotle's life?", he said: "He was a philosopher. He was born. He thought. He died. All the rest is pure anecdote." Maybe that is the only way. I find a great sadness with this thought because to sum up a human life in this manner does not do it justice I believe. I don't want someone at my funeral to say "He was a Marine. He was born. He killed. He died." or even an exact copy of Aristotle's. I don't feel that a summation of that sort does my life and my effort justice.
So here I remain. Trapped in a way. Unable to define who I truly am (except in relation to my parts) and at the same time unwilling to summarize my life in a few trite, meaningless words. Maybe the answers will seem clearer in the morning (it always seems that way doesn't it?). Now, however, I must get some hours of sleep as I have an Anthropology test in a few [hours].
Music: The Postal Service
