A Long Way From Anything

23. Woohoo!!!

Today I encountered something I thought was a urban legend. You see, at Judo practice tonight, we were working on De Ashi Harai. It's a foot sweep. It also involves vertically yanking the opponent's gi. Now for a bit of history. Under my gi, I don't wear much. Usually just a jock strap. Some people wear a t-shirt, but chafing has never really affected me. No big deal. But tonight! In the shower later on this evening (after I got home from Judo), I look down and realize that my nipples are blood red!! They were hurting a little in class, but I figured with all the movement it was nothing. Ouch! Nipples fucking hurt! Dammit, this happens to other people not me!

You're a Marine


What branch of the military do you belong in?
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So I have befriended the neighborhood cat. It's a cute little thing. Grey all over, subdued stripes on it's tail. Pretty friendly too. I've nicknamed him "Proletariacat". A little bit of humor from rereading 1984.

I comment on this because cat and I have some sort of understanding. I feed him every so often. Oftentimes in the evenings, when I go outside for the occasional cigarette break, he's waiting there for me. He looks up an meows plaintively as if inquiring about my day. I'll go inside then and grab him something to eat. I sit there and watch him eat while I smoke a cigarette. After he's finished, he'll come up and nuzzle me, as if thanking me. He then lays down in my lap. That's his side of the bargain. We are two creatures, virtually alone in the world, drifting between survival and love. I now understand why people like cats.

Wow. Head Hurts. Light Bad. Sound Bad. ugh.

I watched a pretty depressing movie tonight so I apologize if this is a bit perverse (it is the result of heavy drinking). I was thinking about suicide. Not actually contemplating it, just thinking on the subject of it. Sartre says that the only way a man can be truly free is to activly contemplate suicide and then decide not to. Then, the rest of your life, no matter how hard things get, you can look back and figure, "Well, I could be dead". He refers to this as the un-suicide. I agree with him to a certain extent. Sure, realization of mortality is always a good thing, but what about a desire for life? Freud and other psychologists tell us that man has a death instinct. Incidentally, that is one of the reasons Cigarettes are Sublime gives for wanting to smoke. If man has this death instinct, what turns him away from suicide? What reason does man have to keep on living? The Utilitarians say that you should commit suicide if your life is filled with more pain than happiness. Kant says that it is morally objectionable because it does not hold true to the categorical imperative. I believe that I have two reasons for not killing myself. One, I am scared. I am scared of the pain, of not knowing, and of disappointing my family and friends. Two, I have hope. I hope that one day something good can come of my life. I hope that in some small way, even with all of my errors, I can make a difference. So I guess this means, that even with all of my talk of pessimism, I am truly an optimist. I hope, not for my immortal soul or for other men, but that I may one day be worthy of myself and of my ancestors. Maybe one day I will be worthy of this gift called life. For I am truly condemned to hell. And my only hope is not to hope at all.

Sometimes, I really like what thelizman has to say:

"Time is money. I don't have any money, and I don't have any time either, but the causes of the two are unrelated. I don't have any money because I do not have, nor do I desire, a job. I don't have time because I'm going to school full time (actually, it's well over full time), hence the reason for not wanting a job. "

Let's do the math. I'm currently taking 17 hours of classes (exactly 1 hour below the max). If I study for two hours for every hour in class (which is low...you're supposed to study for three), that comes out to 34 hours a week. Add that to the 17 hours I spend in class and you get a whopping total of 51 hours a week. Which I do say is pretty damn good. Note that this is not including the time I spend running the Philosophical Society (of which I was elected to the office of President today) or being in the Judo Club, or being in the Students for Organizational Development Club. So you know what? Fuck anyone who says I need a job. Would I like one? Sure. I'd love to have the money. It really sucks eating Ramen all the time. It really sucks watching how much I drive. It really sucks not going out with people. It really sucks not being able to buy books. But you know what? A lot of things suck too. And considering everything, I'm pretty well off compared to some poor bastard starving to death in Africa or a political dissident being tortured to death in Asia. People (including myself) should stop bitching about how bad their life is when they're in the top 1% of the richest people in the world.

So from now on, I'm going to try to not bitch about money. People? Now that's a completely different matter. :)

I took another test on my political views today. As it turns out, I don't really care that much about money, but I care a whole hell of a lot about rights! If you want to take the test, it's called The Political Compass. I scored Economic L/R: 0.12 and Lib./Auth.: -2.82

Whee...exciting I know. It's been a boring day.

So today I went to my OSO's house and celebrated the Marine Corps Birthday. We sat around talking, watched the Commandant's message on TV, and did the usual: cutting the cake with a saber, singing the Hymn, etc... The entire drive home I was humming "From the halls of Montezuma, to the shores of Tripoli...." Overall it was fun. Just the usual dinner party shit. I met two guys who might be in my class this summer (both of them JAG candidates) so that was pretty cool. We talked about training, debated some infantry tactics, crushed beer cans against our foreheads while screaming "oorah!" (j/k), you know, the usual shit. It really amazed me how stupid some of them are. Some of them are really smart (one guy already has a B.A. and a M.A. and is now in Law School) but 2 or 3 of them were rocks! These are the guys that have a unerring faith in their government and believe every word Bush ever uttered about the war in Iraq. These are the same guys that bragged about having only read 4 or 5 books in their lifetime. sad really. Talk about perpetuating a stereotype...

On a completely different note, I've been fixed up on a blind date (well, date is really a nice word...let's call it a booty initiation) by this girl I know. So wish me luck. It's been 6 months since I've touched a girl (outside of Judo). So I'm actually kind of nervous. Who would have thunk it...

Okay, this is both sick and wrong. kinda funny too. in the meantime, mmmmmmm beer...

Okay, for something funny, go HERE and then read the next 4 comics. Melting cats! woohoo!

I really need some sort of scale that says "okay, put down the bottle of Bushmills now..."

You are starch. You are rigid, opinionated, hard-
willed and not too friendly about it. You keep
people out of places, or you keep them in, and
without you a lot of things would collapse.
hopefully you'll never have the authority to
burn people at the stake. Sir.


Which Biological Molecule Are You?
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About my not caring: I saw a good saying the other day. "Marines don't retreat, they just go to hell and regroup".

Just to let everyone know, I passed the USMC Physical Fitness Test today. I did 14 pullups (18 actually, they said I was going too fast and couldn't count the others. bastards.), 92 Situps, and I ran 3 miles in 23:40. So yay.... I am actually beyond caring right now. I'm sitting down tonight with a pizza and a bottle of Bushmills and I'm passing out at around 8pm.

Just because I passed the physical doesn't mean I'll get selected though. The run is actually still a problem. While my time is passing, they generally won't accept anyone who doesn't time below 23 minutes. In fact, my total score is still below the average of my competitors, so I'm not expecting to get selected. Maybe in a week or so I'll care. For right now, it's time to decompress.

Come May though, I'm gonna go in there and smoke the fuckers. oo-fucking-rah!

So I was thinking about deployment (this is how I think of my life in Carrollton, merely a long (2 year) unaccompanied deployment) and it's impact upon my artistic pursuits. Specifically, music and photography. For photography, I was looking at the Olympus Stylus 400 Digital. It's an all-weather 4.0 Megapixel digital camera. I figure this (the weather-proofing) will be important when I'm sitting in the sandbox. Plus, I could use the eFilm Picture Pad. It holds 40 Gig of photos!! I think that could last me a deployment. Now all I have to do is figure out how to rig all of that to a solar panel for recharging. :) I'm also thinking about setting up a Linux mail server so I can email myself the photos from wherever I might be. Now that would be cool...

As for musical pursuits, I'm thinking I need to focus on either a Harmonica or my tin whistle. Something small that I can bring along to keep myself entertained. Possibly even practice on a chanter, that way I can make lovely cat-dying noises in the middle of the desert.

I am however trying to reconcile my pleasure with the duties of an officer. I'm worried about my troops losing respect for me if they see me goofing off taking photos or playing music. I guess I'll have to wait till I'm actually deployed and see how they take it.

Well, unfortunately, I will not be making it the the game this weekend, due to two tests on Monday and then a PFT on Tuesday (gotta call Chris and tell him). The tests are in my two hardest classes, Ethics and Intermediate German, so I've really got to study my ass off. Wish me luck! In the meantime, I will entertain my audience with some song lyrics from my playlist (not too depressing ). All this as I sit here on a friday night, working...Who needs a social life anyway?

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Carmelita - by Warren Zevon

Carmelita hold me tighter
I think I'm sinking down
And I'm all strung out on heroin
On the outskirts of town

Well, I'm sittin' here playing solitaire
With my pearl-handled deck
The county won't give me no more methadone
And they cut off your welfare check

Carmelita hold me tighter
I think I'm sinking down
And I'm all strung out on heroin
On the outskirts of town

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March of Cambreadth - by Heather Alexander

Dawn has broke, the time has come,
Move Your Feet to a Marching Drum
We'll win the war and pay the toll,
We'll Fight as One in Heart and Soul
Midnight mare and blood red roan,
Fight to Keep this Land Your Own
Sound the horn and call the cry,
How Many of Them Can We Make Die!

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Today I started loving you again - by Merle Haggard

Today I started loving you again
Well I'm right back where I've really always been
I got over you just long enough to let my heartache mend
Then today I started loving you again

Sorry I've been away from my little sounding board for so long. I've been busy pulling my German grade out of the stygian depths it has sunk to.

In other news (I'm sure everyone is sick of hearing this), my absolutely final PFT is on Tuesday. This is the very, very, very last one before the board meets the next Monday. I'm looking forward to it, because when you think about it, there is a binary solution set. Either I pass, in which case the board may or may not accept me, or I fail, in which case I try again in May. Either way, I really don't care. I'm so burnt out right now, all I want is a break. Hell could freeze over and I wouldn't care. I realize that this isn't a very "Marine" sort of thing to say, but I have my reasons. So look at it this way: I'm not giving up, I'm merely falling back and regrouping. If in the process of falling back I happen to drink myself into a stupor a few weekends, well, I'm not going to feel remiss in my duties. Even the hardest charging Marines get a few days off each year.