I watched a pretty depressing movie tonight so I apologize if this is a bit perverse (it is the result of heavy drinking). I was thinking about suicide. Not actually contemplating it, just thinking on the subject of it. Sartre says that the only way a man can be truly free is to activly contemplate suicide and then decide not to. Then, the rest of your life, no matter how hard things get, you can look back and figure, "Well, I could be dead". He refers to this as the un-suicide. I agree with him to a certain extent. Sure, realization of mortality is always a good thing, but what about a desire for life? Freud and other psychologists tell us that man has a death instinct. Incidentally, that is one of the reasons Cigarettes are Sublime gives for wanting to smoke. If man has this death instinct, what turns him away from suicide? What reason does man have to keep on living? The Utilitarians say that you should commit suicide if your life is filled with more pain than happiness. Kant says that it is morally objectionable because it does not hold true to the categorical imperative. I believe that I have two reasons for not killing myself. One, I am scared. I am scared of the pain, of not knowing, and of disappointing my family and friends. Two, I have hope. I hope that one day something good can come of my life. I hope that in some small way, even with all of my errors, I can make a difference. So I guess this means, that even with all of my talk of pessimism, I am truly an optimist. I hope, not for my immortal soul or for other men, but that I may one day be worthy of myself and of my ancestors. Maybe one day I will be worthy of this gift called life. For I am truly condemned to hell. And my only hope is not to hope at all.
